How To Keep The Romance Alive In Your Relationship



Posted: Friday, January 20, 2006

by
Dr Brenda Shoshanna

Some believe that romance should just come naturally, and if it doesn’t, or if closeness starts to subside, it means that something is wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Keeping romance alive requires time, attention and the willingness to start fresh over and over, to learn how to constantly reconnect. There is nothing as important as taking time to re-connect and re-kindle the romance you’ve been longing for. In the following article, we will offer steps and exercises that not only develop the ability to reconnect with our partners, but teach the essentials of keeping romance alive as well.

After the initial excitement of being in a relationship is over, many allow things to fall into a routine and begin taking one another for granted. They assume they know what their partner is feeling, that it doesn’t matter if they come late for a date, don’t look so good, or choose a night out with friends too often. It’s important to be aware of what we are doing to either keep the closeness going, or subtly push it away. Unless two people feel cared for and valued by one another, the romance will die down.

Remember How He Seemed To You When You First Met For starters, take a moment to ask yourself how you view him now? Do you view him as a hero? Someone you can look up to and respect? Or are you mostly dwelling upon his faults? After a relationship has gone on for a while partners can begin to focus on negative traits. This is a sure-fire technique for creating distance and putting out any fire that might exist.

Remember, when you first fell in love, you only saw the best about the person and focused on how wonderful they were. If you want the romance to sizzle, do that again.

Take some time and write down a description of how you see your partner. Who is he/she to you now? Write this down without censoring your thoughts and feelings.

Now, write down how you saw her when you first met, and how you felt then. At this moment, consciously choose to see the best about him. Stop focusing on their faults.

View them in a way that is similar to the way you viewed them in the beginning. Your partner will feel the effects of this, and begin responding in kind.

Let Your Partner Fulfill Your Dreams There is nothing that stops us from letting our partner fulfill our dreams than expectations that have been unfulfilled. This causes disappointment and the romance soon dies down as well. Before we let that happen, it is important to stop and become aware of what we are expecting both of our partners and of the relationship. Are these expectations realistic? Are they left over from childhood, can they be fulfilled?

More often than not, it is our expectations, not the other person, which cause upset. In order to kindle the romance, take some time to notice (and write down) the ways in which your partner has measured up. Dwell upon what they do give you. Decide to be happy and fulfilled by what your partner can give. And let them know. The better your partner feels about themselves, the more they will give you. And the more romance will sparkle.

Make a list of which expectations your partner does meet - and other things he offers you that you have been unaware of. Be willing to revise your expectations a little - to give up a few that he cannot meet. Create some new dreams and expectations that he is able to fulfill. Sometimes just giving up one or two expectations can make the entire difference in a relationship working or not. Sometimes just deciding that what he/she offers is good enough, can dissolve many walls.

Then, let him know he’s good enough. Let him know he’s making you happy. This is the biggest aphrodisiac for many.

Recognizing Signs Of Love Some just do not pick up the signs of love and affection their partner gives them. But if they want the romance to bloom they must become aware of the ways in which their particular partner is expressing their love.

Some men are naturally lovers, they are able to tell their partners they love them, to be romantic, affectionate and share intimacies easily. Others, who still have these feelings, may be expressing them differently. Rather than express their love directly, they will show their feelings by calling every day, being on time, doing little jobs that are needed. For many men doing things for women is a way of expressing love. For others being there a lot, being willing to spend time with your family, to listen to problems that arise are his way of saying he loves you. It is important to listen to and understand the love language your partner speaks.

Realize, that his love language may simply different from yours. It does not mean he doesn’t love you. He’s just telling you in another way. Whenever he expresses his feelings in his way, tell yourself, what he is doing now is telling me he cares.

Collecting Positive Memories

Positive memories are like little treasures that we can collect and draw upon. They remind us of moments of understanding, happiness and love that has been shared. They also point to what is possible in the future. Positive memories build faith, both in ourselves, our partners and in love.



Often as relationships go forward, rather than return to our positive memories, we seem to dwell upon the negative ones. This unfortunate tendency builds walls that cause the romance to die.

Instead of doing that make a point of remembering all that was good and fulfilling between you and your partner. Spend time writing down everything wonderful you shared. Then, if you care to, you can even find a seashell or other object that represents each wonderful memory. Collect these and place them in a place where you can see them easily. They will exude positive energy to you. They will help you keep the good in mind.



When you are upset or angry, when you are caught in the grip of a negative memory simply return to your positive memories. Dwell upon that. By doing this over an over the positive memories will increase in energy and impact your relationship and life.



Be Open To Joy



Are you willing to be happy? Are you willing to give up grievances and allow yourself and your partner to simply have fun? Fun is a crucial part of bonding and of romance. When we can let go of self-importance and just play together, we are building the very best foundation for closeness and romance. The very heart of romance is enjoying each other, feeling hopeful and alive.

Appreciate your time together. Rather than thinking of what comes next, focus upon each moment and taste it to the fullest. We often overlook many gifts we are receiving all day long. Being present and experiencing appreciation and gratitude is the road to the greatest joy.



Re-choose Your Partner



When all these steps are taken, you will not only be reconnected, but you will be with your partner because there is no other place you want to be. The relationship will not be one of convenience, but one of choice. The actual act of re-choosing our partners, of knowing they are the one’s we want to be with opens the door to endless romance.



Spend some time writing down and expressing the ways in which you wish to re-commit to your partner, and why. By doing this on an on-going basis, you will not only keep the love and relationship fresh, but keep yourself aware of why you are with the person. As you do this not only will the romance re-kindle, but the relationship will be solidly planted on unshakeable ground.

Cc/author/2005

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Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Brenda Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living), www.theangerdiet.com .,Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal

website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com /









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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Lillian from Iowa 3 years 83 days ago.
I am a woman of 47 years of age and I have been divorced for 22 years. I recently started seeing this gentleman that I think a lot of 5 months ago. Because of the type of relationship I had with my ex (abusive) I have a hard time with romantic gestures and sexual advances on my part as well I try but it isn't enough for him is there anything I can do to help me out in this area.
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